Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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