you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
