who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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