Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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