Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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