Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
