Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
