i would punch a child for taco bell
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
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