and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I wish my penis had an off switch
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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