i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
