Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
