I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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