I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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