Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
