Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
