If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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