I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
