Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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