theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
