if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Randomize
