Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Another day, another engagement, another cat
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
