gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Vodka?
Forever.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
