so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
there is puke in my bra ... again
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
