Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Randomize
