I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
