when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
