brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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