a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
