I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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