So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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