I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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