now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
