I got chris browned last night
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
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