So drunk its hurt
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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