I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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