Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
