rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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