No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
