is your mom at the bar?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
