just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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