you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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