At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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