Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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