my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Randomize
