I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
