Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
