Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
