i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
