Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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