so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
