Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
