i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
