I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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